So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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