Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
