dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
