there was a trapeze. enough said
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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