My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
