he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Pooping to opera.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
