Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
