Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
