Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Randomize
