My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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