I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
