before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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