Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
