Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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