Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
