Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Bring me that man meat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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