i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
