Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
