I accidentally had phone sex last night
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
