Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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