If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
