dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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