Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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