guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Who wears a wallet chain?!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
