...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
