i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
