I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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