Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
