I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
