I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
my shit smells like andre
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
