Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
