Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
