I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
