I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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