I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
