I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
too bad you live with your parents still
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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