Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
