i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
