life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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