Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
