she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
