just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
