first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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