your parents love me but you hate me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
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