O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
