im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
