when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
