i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
