I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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