: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
